Large Group #5 - Dealing with Conflict

This week we will be talking about dealing with conflict in the Body of Christ because we are all sinners with rough edges, and conflict of one sort or another will inevitably arise.  The bible has several passages that give specific instruction on conflict, the most explicit are Matthew 5:21-26, Matthew 18:15-20, and Ephesians 4:25-28. We will talk about why God gives us these instructions on conflict resolution and what happens when we don’t follow these instructions.  We will also talk about behaviors that lead to more conflict (such as gossip,Proverbs 16:28 or love of money, 1 Timothy 6:3-5), discuss some practices that help minimize conflict (e.g. 1 Timothy 5:1-2, Ephesians 4:29), and look at some cautions while trying to help others diffuse their conflict (e.g. Matthew 18:15-17, Proverbs 27:17). We will also touch briefly on reconciliation and forgiveness because it is so closely related to conflict in the Christian life, but we will talk about it in more detail at a later Large Group.

I pray that we will all continue to grow in wisdom and maturity with each other.  I exhort us to spend time with each other so that we may grow in friendship and love for one another.  I am encouraged by the love and commitment to each other that I have seen and heard about so far this year and I call us all to continue steadfastly along that path.

Please also remember your ‘homework’: a) to live out what we are talking about in Large Group, b) to spend time together growing in friendship and encouragement, and c) to invite a friend (or 2 or 3…) to Large Group!

Read Matthew 5:21-26, Matthew 18:15-20, Ephesians 4:25-28.

1. Matthew 18:15-20. What are the three steps to take for dealing with conflict in the church that Jesus lays out?  Why is it important to follow these three steps in this particular order?  What happens if these steps aren’t taken or they are taken out of order? Is this different than how you were taught to deal with conflict?
2. Matthew 5:21-22. Why does Jesus say, “Anyone who says, ‘you fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell”? What is the intent of someone who calls another a fool?  How is that related to intent of one who commits murder?
3. Matthew 5:23-24. How does Matthew 5:21-22 relate to these two verses? How are they connected? Why are we called to leave our gifts in front of the altar and to reconcile first?  What does this look like in practice today?
4. Matthew 25-26. What happens when we don’t reconcile quickly?  What is the point of these two verses?  How doesMatthew 5:21-26 fit together?
5. In Ephesians 4:26-27, what does it mean to “give the devil a foothold?”   Why are we called to “not let the sun go down while you are still angry?” Compare this to Psalm 4:4-5, where David says, “in your anger do not sin.”
6. 2 Corinthians 5:11-21.  God has made the ultimate reconciliation; in order to reconcile, what must happen (must something be given up)?  How does this empower us as followers of Christ? Where is justice when we forgive (how does this relate to what Jesus did on the cross)?
7. Proverbs 27:17. What does this teach us about being a third party in a conflict?  How does this relate to Matthew18:15-20?
8. Proverbs 16:28. How does gossip relate to conflict? Why is gossip evil?
9. We are commonly taught to avoid conflict by ‘letting things slide’ and not addressing them if they don’t bother us too much.  Is this biblical?  Do we tend to harbor hurt feelings or annoyance in our heart?  Do we remember the stupid or hurtful things that have been done to us? What happens if we let annoyances and hurt feelings (even small hurts) sit in our hearts (perhaps think of Ephesians 4:27)?  How can we resolve these hurts—perhaps by following Matthew18:15-20?
10. How can we avoid conflict? There are many ways, but perhaps start by thinking of these passages:
1. 1 Timothy 5:1-2. How might treating others appropriately lead to less conflict?
2. Ephesians 4:29. What does it mean to have “only what is helpful for building others up” come from our mouths?  How does this relate to the next three verses? How might this lessen the prospects for conflict?
3. 1 Timothy 6:3-5. How does this relate to our discussion?
11. What does it mean to reconcile? What does it mean to forgive?  Are these different?  How so? Are we still called to forgive even when reconciliation doesn’t happen? Take a look at this list, “9 things forgiveness is not,” prepared by Pastor Mark Driscoll; do you agree with it? Why or why not?

1.        FORGIVENESS IS NOT DENYING, APPROVING, OR DIMINISHING SIN THAT IS COMMITTED AGAINST US.

2.        FORGIVENESS IS NOT NAÏVETÉ.

3.        FORGIVENESS IS NOT ENABLING SIN.

4.        FORGIVENESS IS NOT WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO ACKNOWLEDGE SIN, APOLOGIZE, AND REPENT.

5.        FORGIVENESS IS NOT FORGETTING ABOUT SIN COMMITTED AGAINST US.

6.        FORGIVENESS IS NOT DYING EMOTIONALLY AND NO LONGER FEELING THE PAIN OF THE TRANSGRESSION.

7.        FORGIVENESS IS NOT A ONE-TIME EVENT.

8.        FORGIVENESS IS NOT RECONCILIATION.

9.        FORGIVENESS IS NOT NEGLECTING JUSTICE.